{happiness}

Dad, I thought of you when I heard this song.  I thought of Zac when I watched the video.  Please take the time to listen to it.  

I thought of myself as well.  Though my struggles in life are not the same as yours...as Zac's...I have struggled more than you will ever know with the loss of the relationship you and I once had.  I feel like I have lost my Father.  Not in the same way I lost Zac, but it's a loss none-the-less.  Loss of my best friend.  Loss of my "go-to" person.  Loss of my children's grandfather.  Loss of the closet thing I had to my brother.   The hardest part is knowing you are still "here," but choose not to be a part of my life.  

So, yes, I'm "worn" too.  I've been put through situations the past 8 months that I never would have fathomed I'd have to deal with.  Situations that caused me to react in ways I never fathomed I would react.  Situations that I DID NOT create.  Situations that you allowed to happen.  

So, at the end of the day, when you wash your hands of me because of my "disrespect," you need to remember that I am human.  I have feelings.  Especially right after having a brand new baby when this all started.  I will react to the situations I am put in.  Reactions are often equal to the situation in which you are faced with.  If you desire a calm, non-contentious reaction, then please don't put me in a contentious lack of respect situation.  You can't plant a field with weeds and expect roses at the end of the season.

It's never too late to start over.  Never too late to swallow pride and rebuild what once was.  Zac's gone.  You can't bring him back.  I'm here.  You can rebuild what we once had.  It's all a matter of what's important to you.  I'm here.  I always have been.  Always will be.  If your "principal" is more important than a relationship with your daughter, that's your choice.  I just hope our Heavenly Father is more of a forgiving, love without boundaries Father than you are.  Because if not, then we are all in trouble.  Mercy is extended to all through Him...even at our worst.  How do we have the right to wash our hands of others when we expect Him to love us unconditionally?  

Love you.

d

Pieces of Z

...they are all around. An American flag that hangs on Tripp's wall. An "Uncle Zac" flag as Tripp proudly calls it. His Bible in my bedside table. His picture on the dash of my car. The fact that Tripp looks just like him. Acts like him.

This weekend, Logan found one of Zac's dog tags laying in an open field behind our house. No telling how it got there...or what Z was doing at the time he lost it. Probably up to no-good...along with my husband. However it found it's way off of his neck onto the ground really doesn't matter. What matters is that it's a little piece of my brother that lets me know that no matter how much I miss him...he's still here. Here in spirit. Here in little pieces like this.

As I look at this little piece of metal, I can't help but think of all the places it traveled while on his neck. Maybe he wore it while he was in Afghanistan or Pakistan. Maybe he wore it through his best days...his worst days. If little chunks of metal could talk, I'd love to hear the stories this one could tell.

So, as I hold this little piece of Zac in my hand, I can't help but smile. Smile at the thought of my brother. At the fact that after all these years, we were lucky enough to find this little piece of history.

Last, but not least, I smile at the fact that this dog-tag is a reminder that my brother...along with MANY MANY other soldiers put their lives on the line every day to fight for our country. Our freedom. Some make it home. Some don't. Some make it home, like Zac, only to find the memories of war are too much to bare. For all of their service and sacrifice, I am grateful.

Grateful for the opportunity to know a wonderful soldier, brother, friend, uncle...and to have pieces of him that let me know he's never far away.

Love and miss you Z.

Angel Flight

{christmas 2008}

No one said the holidays were going to be easy. In fact, we were told they would be hard. I smiled and said, "ok," thinking I would be strong like I've tried to be so many times this year. As I went by Zac's grave yesterday, something I do everytime I go back home, it all began to sink in. It was overcast, quiet, with a gentle breeze. I know it sounds silly, but in that moment, like so many other times since he's been gone, I could feel him there with me. I can't see him. I can't touch him. But in some odd way that I can't explain, I feel his presence. Maybe it's a brother/sister thing, I don't know. All I do know is that it's never clear what to say when I visit his grave. It wasn't clear yesterday. So, I sat for a second like I always do, smiled, put my hand on top of his grave, and told him I love him. Something we always said to eachother as we said goodbye. Actually, those were the last words we ever said to eachother.

As I walked back to the truck, Anna asked to get out of the car to see Uncle Zac. As she knelt on his grave, she asked if the rose at the head of his grave was the rose that Tripp gave her after her Christmas program. I told her it was and she smiled. She had sent it back with Kacky to give to Uncle Zac. She then spread her arms across his grave and hugged the ground. "I love you Uncle Zac," she said. It was at that moment that it hit me like a ton of bricks. He's really gone. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I should be visiting him in his home with his precious Rosalina. Not at a graveside decorated with cards, flowers, and a small Christmas tree that Mom put there from all of us.

Maybe everyone was right. Maybe I was wrong. The holidays aren't going to be easy. Maybe I can't be strong all of the time. I'm tired of trying to be strong. Physically and emotionally tired. I miss my brother more than anyone knows. I have a huge hole in my heart that aches in a way I can't describe. And even though I know he's *here* with us in spirit, it still hurts. So, this Christmas Eve night, as we all sit by the fire outside at Mom and Dad's, we're going to miss him. I've accepted the fact that it will be hard to not have him there with us. We'll miss him telling his crazy stories. I'll miss each opportunity I would have had to smart off at him and get a "cut-down" fight going back and forth b/w us :). I know in my heart he WILL be there. We won't be able to see him, but he'll be there. And this Christmas, we will laugh at stories ABOUT Zac.

As this year comes to an end, I can honestly look back, take a deep breath, and realize just how strong my family and my faith is. I've learned that we are only as strong as our faith. And just as we have been through so many hard times, we have so much to be thankful for. Dad is battling like a trooper against his brain tumor. We have a special little bundle of red-headed joy in our lives :) Yes, our lives have changed in so many ways. They will never be what they were before, but in a way, we have all changed as a result. And I think that change is for the better. It seems a little more clear as to why we should cherish each day we have together. To tell eachother "I love you" every chance we get. To not harbor hard feelings towards eachother. To fight a good fight. And, last but not least, to lean on God for all things big and small.

I love you Zac. I miss you. Merry Christmas, bro.

May 18, 1984 - May 19, 2008

My brother, Zac, drowned in a local river yesterday in a tragic boating accident. A day after he turned 24. A day after I forgot to call and wish him "happy birthday." 2 days after he called to chat and I had to cut him short and I said I would call him back, but never did. 3 months before him and his wife's first baby...a little girl...is due. A day much too soon.

Zac, I miss you. I am trying so hard to be strong, but I just can't. You are my only brother. My only sibling. The one I've confided in over the last 2 months from dealing with our crazy family. Zac, I can't begin to describe how much it hurts to know that I will never be able to see you again...at least in this lifetime. Anna Lynn and Tripp will miss out on getting to know a wonderful uncle. Uncle "Dack." I miss you, Zac. I always always will. I will miss the opportunity of seeing your face when you would have introduced Rosalina Maria Barber to us in August. Though I know you will be with her every step of her life. She will know you through the stories we will tell her of her handsome, crazy, kind father. You can bet she'll hear what a pain in the butt you were as well! :)

You are in a better place. I know that and you know that. For more reasons than one, Zac. I will always hold it close to my heart that the last words we spoke to each other...even though I was in a hurry...were three words too often taken for granted..."I love you." I will end this post with one of your favorite songs. I never knew how true this was to your life and your personal struggles that you no longer have to battle. You are in a way...free. This is the only thing that gives me peace...knowing that the demons you battled for so long no longer have a hold of you. Rest in peace my brother. You are always in my heart. Every day. This is for you.

Arms of an Angel
Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough"?
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

I love you Zac